Tent!

SO here is a picture of my tent in my living room right now, i am making sure its in good shape and i can reassemble it (i lost the instructions) i think i did a good job.

There is a cover that goes over it but i didn't want to put it on at this time.

Im on the move again...

So, once again i have decided that its time to figure out what i really want out of life and what i have come up with would be to see the world. Now that is a grandiose statement but its the truth. now not all of this will happen right off the bat one has to work hard to earn the money to travel and the other is to budget and save said money. Now i have never been a great saver i have always just been very materialistic and thought i would be happy, well fuck was i wrong. I want to try a new lifestyle of not buying and just saving and try to find what really makes me happy again. I was happy at one point, and now i am struggling to be so. My plan is to take a month long road trip and move to Oregon. I have not visited this place before nor have i ever taken a really long road trip but i think every one should do this at least one time in their lifetime. This is my turn, i will start out in western ny as i still have a lot of stuff in storage there. Then i am headed to visit some family in CT then south to NC and out west to TN,CO, NM etc. This is a new beginning for me and a chance to really explore some nature and have an adventure! I have a fund going so if you would like to contribute i would greatly appreciate it. https://www.fundmytravel.com/campaign/tXIwlhtAyH (any small amount helps.) Thank you! Also please leave any comments about questions of what i may do in each place and so forth.

What I do when I get lost.

When I feel that I have hit a brick wall in life, as so many of us have. I used to just throw my arms up in the air and say FUCK IT ALL! Or i would just up and move. I thought a fresh start maybe will do the trick. Or stop taking me meds clear out my thoughts. The first time i moved was NYC, i was going to cosmetology school and found a few jobs and then i got fired or i quiet, then i moved to Jamestown,NY and i decided to go to school for a degree in education to become a teacher, well that didn't work out either, i was doing ok grade wise, but i just stopped going, i was getting over whelmed the teachers weren't helping and i just quiet. I was so confused, the thoughts would not stop flooding my head "you just cant stay focused on anything can you?" "will you ever have a real future and stable income?" "Your not good enough for this, you don't get it." "why me why now why why why?!" i was so used to hearing these voices at one point i told myself that they were not to be seen as negative but as a push to try something new, and it worked for a time. Then reality hit me in the face, i couldn't pay my rent, i kept getting fired from jobs, my boyfriend was struggling with work, i had to rely on my parent for financial help, i felt like a kid again. I hated my self because i had gotten to this point, my b/f started to worry about me more and i started to feel uncomfortable doing normal things like grocery shopping.I literally slapped myself the next day and told myself to see all of this as good support, both from my family and b/f and move forward with life so the stop taking pills apparently was part of that plan. (not suggested) Then my b/f told me about funerals we needed to attend, they were close together. So we were going to those and they were tough. But when we came back something changed, he was working more which was great, i was trying to put money aside for bills and what not. I am not great at budgeting, since i am very impulsive so this was yet again another struggle. Soon he started asking me about what i wanted to do with my life and what i was going to do for work to provided for a family. Well none of that helped my anxiety, I didn't react all that well "fuck this is new..."; I had never really thought about any of this before, it never seemed an option in my previous relationships. But now i had this amazing man before me who was telling me how he wanted to have kids with me, talking about where we could live, and how he was thinking of marrying me. Now any other girl would have probably been over the moon to hear this from their significant other and i can see why. All i could think was, "have i really hit that mile stone?"and "is this really what i want?" and "why in the hell now!" Not too long after all this unfolded we hit the rough patch, he moved out of the house got engulfed in his work, i hardly saw him or new what he was doing. All because i couldn't give him the answer he wanted. I was left to think "this is all my fault." and down the rabbit hole i went. We tried to work through this, but nothing ever was resolved so it ended. I was lost again. My head felt like it was coming unscrewed from my shoulders and i was just barely keeping it on. I had to change!so I started to go back on my pills and tried to stabilize my symptoms and issues, i tried to talk to people i knew and get feedback or just to vent and they seemed alarmed. not that i was talking to them about these issues, but that i was having such thoughts of darkness. My friends were nice and tried to be supportive but not sure how to be and i didn't know either so we fell out of touch. I felt so alone and so worried for myself, i knew i had some issues, anxiety, depression, impulsiveness and attention issues but things seemed to get worse. I started to not even want to leave the house. It seemed like the walls i was up against were so big that they were closing in on me, I had lost so many different jobs, then my b/f left. my mental state was getting worse, suicidal thoughts kept popping in my head that scared the crap out of me. Nobody tells you this, when your having issues and you talk to your doctors. But apparently getting mis diagnosed is very common. I apparently may have another issue coming into play but they were not sure so in the mean time they tried to help by saying"lets up the dosage." or "try getting out more." <-- that one is my favorite! I understand they are doctors and have a responsibility to their patients so i tried telling them that neither of those things seemed to work for me and that i was starting to scare myself, they then suggested the crisis hotline. So i called once, it helped at that moment but that was all, a momentary salvation from myself. Now don't read that wrong i'm not saying the hotlines are bad, it is probably the best help out there for anybody with such issues. (please if you have dark thoughts and need help look up your local crisis hotline, they will and can help. Know you are not alone and it will be ok!). So i got through the call i was feeling better for a few days. Now this is not that uncommon, to get to a point were we feel ok things seem to be brighter and shiny again. It is a constant battle everyday to keep that mental state. i still didn't know what i wanted but i knew that this was not all life had to offer me. So I moved, again. Healthy choice? maybe not so much BUT my family had stepped in and told me i needed to make a drastic change to my life, get more help than what i had. i agreed and started packing, i moved to Maryland where i am now and am back in therapy, i changed my doctor back home and was being monitored closely. I am enrolled in a program here that helps adults who struggle with finding a job and keeping one. (ding ding me to a tee!) i'm back getting help, like real help, all good but i am still lost. This time with direction, i moved out of the town i was in and am living here temporarily. Their is an end to this program, and after it ends will i really be any closer to finding this job/career. Will i know what i want to get out of life? So guess what im doing after this!.....Packing up my car taking my two awesome pups, and hitting the road to go west and see national parks and camp! Very scary for me because i have never really camped, like build a fire and cook my food over said fire. yeah im a noob and this will be my first test!! This trip has actually made dealing with the end of this program less daunting and intimidating because i have a small plan in place and have a next step, and i will have time to really meditate on my thoughts. Please i hope this helped somebody even if it one person who reads this, to know that we all hit a wall and feel so alone and trapped by our situations that nothing can help ever. This is not the case, even if you don't have mental health issues, i encourage anybody to reach out to a hotline in your area and just talk to who ever is on the other end. They may not have all the answers but they can direct you where to find them and give you good feed back on your situations. Really it will be ok this is not just for certain people, it can be used by anybody and everybody. "Don't worry, be happy"<- Bobby McFerrin he got it!

When you can see the truth

Ive moved from nyc for almost two years. This is new I thought, now I jnow what is really in this place I recently called home. I decided to call it bumblefuck cause I like that word and it fits and you will find out soon.  I recently have been on break from my school and I can finally tell you what I have found.inthis place and how much anybody needs tk avoid it. In hope for humanity. 

Welcome to the view into real world travel s.

past to the present

in the sixties we broadcasted the war in Vietnam but today we don't, why because we think its not civil for families to see hat their sons are doing. is this a better idea today or a step backward in not letting our own generation see what a real was is>? not that we are in one anymore. I ask this because not so long ago we would show or record fro families to see what an individual was doing, now we have so many vast ways to have access to ones being... I may be drinking, and i may be drunk already, but my mind is open to the one thing that many do not have access too...the underlining meaning of reality.. Friends: what makes a good friend?? what do you see?

Graduation reflection? or over thinking reality?

I don't know is anybody really read this anymore, and im ok with that. If there is done person, meh i hope it helps. This started out to be a blog about how my life was changing and all the crazy things that were going on, and now it has kind of turned out to be just a blog about nothing. The nothing that happens in my life apparently. i try to make friends here and i have maybe a handful of them. now im not a person who wants to be swarmed with people. but i would like to be able to have people i can call up and say "hey what are you up to tonight wanna watch a movie or eat pizza?" or be able to call a girl friend up and get coffee with just to talk about girl issues, 'cause lets face it no guy really wants to hear about how a guy hurt you or how you can't ever find good clothes. But none of this has happened, i know it will not happen over night and i never expect it to. but i am working on trying to find those few people who i can really connect with and feel the most comfortable with to ask those things. Maybe this sounds really odd, but when one does find those friends and would like to have time together, does it come off that you are asking them on a date? yes you read that right, i mean come on think about it, you are asking a girl to get coffee seems simple enough but i find it hard because i always think oh she may think i'm asking her on a weird date thing. and maybe that is what it all is, a girl date... uhg that just sounds weird....this is making me not want to ask others for coffee now. ok back on topic. when it comes to making friends, really true friendships that are going to last your adult life, where do you start. I have some really amazing friends don't get me wrong but none of them live near me. ok take this for an example, this past weekend my oldest friend from 8th grade graduated college on saturday! i was so proud of him i nearly cried, so after the ceremony and seeing his family i went back to his apartment where all his friends were and was starting to talk to some of them, first thing i noticed none of them asked me my name....umm manners much...next thing, they were all telling stories of their college experiences or how they had partied too hard one day and barfed in a car. and so on, they all seemed like normal college kid stories...but then i thought, well i'm in college and i have had none of these types of stories or well, i haven't had any friend that i could banter back and forth like this and not feel judged.....was i going through college the wrong way? maybe i was over thinking it and still am, his friend continued that night to get drunk and dance and be normal kids, and yet i felt out of place. i was happy for him don't get me wrong, and i wanted him to have a great time, but feeling out of place is not a fun feeling. so i snuck out and left. he called me later thanking me for being there, i told him i was proud of him and sorry i had to slip out but i wasn't feeling comfortable and needed to get home and clear my head. which is all true, but i couldn't ell him that ti was feeling old and that i was a little ticked that he slipped off away and left me with strangers who couldn't ask me my name or ask me how i knew him or anything other than, need a beer or how drunk do i look.... So i come back to the small town they call a city, and i come home to my animals who are so happy to see me, and i start to get really sad i run to my dog hug her and cry it was the worst feeling ever, i was in my home but i didn't feel secure or happy...i had nobody to call and talk to, one because it was late and two because they all had jobs and needed to be up early so i didn't want to disturb them and i high doubt any of them would answer me. these were the people that i called friends... social standards for girls seems to be that we have to have a group of girls around us at all times...and that we need to be the best of friends and have each others backs no matter what. i see this at bars and at malls and when girls ar eon the phones i hear it. but what do you do when you have no girls around and the one friends you have, are having lives of their own with real jobs and you are the only one stuck back in college and have no college friends either... this is my situation, like i said maybe i am going about this all wrong and i may be a really socially awkward person and just don't know it yet, or maybe i do know it and just can not get past my own picky ideas of what friends should be. Am i as a girl suppose to have girl friends or is it ok that i have mostly guy friends and the ones i have just be there and not really close... I find myself trying to make new ones friends that is and the only way i know how is to go out i mean school is over a lot of the kids in my classes didn't live in the town or they would be out fishing which i have yet to learn, or on a boat. lucky! i mean they were in my class and we talked but i never learned their names...MY BAD! people tell me i can be too mature at times, i always thought it was a good trait to have, but some times i wonder if this one trait is making it harder for me to be a normal 20 something kid in school and not like a mother hen worrying about drunk driving or drug abuse. I hear my friends tell me about what they did at their college all the crazy red cup drinking games they played and i want to be abel to enjoy those too but then i have this voice in the back of my head saying "why do you want to act like a child?" i mean really!! why not! it seems fun! im worried i lost how to have fun and cant find it or am going to be a 30 year old lady one day say "kids be quiet" to peers of my own age. i said this in the beginning, i dont really know if anybody reads this at all. But if by chance you do. i have a question? am i thinking illogical? or am i being too childish for my own good?

First Semester Done.....

Started in this school back in August. In Upstate NY best idea yet right? so far i think so, i just finished taking my first final and i'm sweating bullets. Tomorrow is my math and then the last one on wednesday is english. You would think i would be umping for joy about how this semester flew by or how I made so many new friends, well sorry to say nope and nope. I spent my time studying for class,and hanging out with my friends who on the lucky side are working and not in school. some days i do wish i could just go tot work all day and not have to study at all. I don't know. Don't get me wrong i love the school and the teachers are great but being in this environment makes me think of it as just one big high school and i'm the transfer student who doesn't speak english. The ironic thing is that I'm a major extroverted type of person, maybe its the environment and how everybody here grew up or maybe its just that i don't want to really make any friends with these kids. either way all i really want to do is get through these finals pass all my classes and just finish school. But then the question is where do i go after this, do i get a job as a teacher here or do i move with my degree and get a teaching job somewhere else. either are ok i would prefer to move away form here not too far but far enough i guess. I have made great friends int his town and its super fun to go and hanging out with them. I have an awesome boyfriend who grew up here so i get a full tour of this place hahahaha and he's very well known as he is an artist. but still im here as a student and not much else its not an area i would want to plant roots in at all. Let alone have my kids go to school here and teach here. On the upside after my last final on wednesday i will be headed to Miami for the holidays and some much needed vacation. me and my mom on the beaches tanning and drinking by the pool! so exciting its the thing that is making me work so hard right now, not that i wouldn't be even if i wasn't going anywhere for the holidays. I was lucky enough growing up to have a super great education and support in traveling all over and experience so much. I would like to have something similar for my future but lets put that on the far back burner. For now i'm just trying to make it through this semester in one piece. Did i mention its snowing non stop and i have had to get snow tires for my car and i was strangely strangely excited for them....i think the country life style is getting to me.....i need my city life back!! College life is supossed to be exciting and a new adventure in ones life. To me it feels like im in high school and with the education standards pretty much the same as what i had in my school there. My English teacher told me that im a very prolific creative righter the other day. Not sure how i should feel about that. i mean i take it as a compliment in the fullist but does that mean i should go into the field of writing children's books? Do i really want to be a kindergarten teacher? I have way too many questions going on in my head. This stress is getting to me.